April Braswell is a leading Dating and Relationship Coach, specializing in Online Dating Coaching and working with clients over 40.
In my work as a Online Dating Coach and Relationship Coach, I've been receiving a number of questions recently from single parents.
Some of the men in our more casual dating culture were thoughtfully inviting the women's children to join them such activities as a movie at home etc. for a Friday or Saturday night date. But this was in the early stage of dating.
The women were feeling awkward and contemplating and referencing The Rules which is an excellent dating book but doesn't cover everything since it is a short book So, they were thinking of canceling the date and just sort of hoping the man would ask them out again…
Right.
None of us is 27 years old anymore, so that doesn’t work. Men in their 30s and 40s are not going to pursue a woman like they did when they were in their 20s and their most aggressive.
I can already hear the men here feeling rejected and voicing something in anger or hurt while still understanding and respecting her, but responding to her as a MOTHER. Not as a LOVER/potential wife. He will respect you. But he will not cherish you with that response.
Let me introduce you to a modern invention. Perhaps you have heard of it.
GET A BABY SITTER!
And be sure to go grab Baby Sitting expert, Lisa McLellan’s free ebook on selecting a good baby sitter: 7 Things to Know BEFORE You Hire That Babysitter!
There are two problems here with that date request.
1. It is Too Early in The Romantic Relationship Stage
It is too early in your romantic relationship stage to include your children on a date.
There are Stages and Phases to developing a sexual and romantic relationship. Indeed, I cover that in my dating ebook, so I won’t go into all the details here. Suffice to say, early on in dating, you are in the Chemistry and Attraction Phase. Bringing your children along on an early phase date ruins the mood completely.
However, neither am I ilk of the overly protective /too child-centered-a-home parents who don't want to introduce the children until they are practically engaged.
In our 21st century culture we date quite casually. With that reality, I am not suggesting that you haul in every date to meet your child. And yet neither do I believe in over-protecting your child from the fact that you are dating. Hello, they could use learning a few pointers from YOUR example about HOW TO BEHAVE ON DATES. Make formal introductions. Shake hands. Be gracious. Open doors. Say, “Please,” and, “Thank you.” Trust me. They ARE watching and soaking it up.
Sort of on the other extreme are the parents who are holding onto their children and shielding them from life which is really coddling their own sentiments and filling their OWN need to BE NEEDED and to feel loved. If your children need you, afterall, then you have the perfect polite excuse NOT to go on that Friday or Saturday night date.
And we are all feeling comfy and cozy…. and then next thing you know Johnny, Janie, and Abdul head off to college or their first apartment. At some point, they WILL leave the nest Are you inculcating them for that day and that transition period, or are you clinging to them to fill the emotional and companionship void in YOUR LIFE that a spouse, husband, wife, life partner - yes, another ADULT - is supposed to fill? And what about you? Will your life be completely empty of relationships when they move out and on with their lives? That can be a really lonely time, and creating a great romantic relationship now by dating is the best thing to do.
2. No Room to Flirt
Sigh. The first 1 or 2 dates SET THE STAGE. Those are your romantic relationship frame.
You’ve heard it before and it’s true: first impressions DO matter.
That is how they will ALWAYS think of you, picture you, and perceive you. You MUST set that stage to have a romantic and sexual tone to it… with a flirtatious ambiance. Think SEXY and SEX APPEAL. If your children are right there, talk about mood dampener and dose of cold water to KILL the mood.
There is a balance. And it IS tough. And precisely what that balance is will be for you to work out in the details of your own life. These are things to contemplate as a single person dating and seeking to create a great life partner relationship.
And trust me, your kids are generally WANTING you go get out on dates. Usually I hear from tween and teens, “Dad, don’t you want to get a girlfriend?” or “Mom, shouldn’t you be going on dates?” They get it, but do the adults?
So, for single parents, part of YOUR dating and romantic relationship tool kit is to identify and know GOOD BABY SITTERS where you live. Again, Lisa McLellan in particular can help you with that with her free childcare, nanny care, and baby-sitting ebook here at Baby Sitting World . Like my advise to know of a few good restaurant/bar choices when asked for that, so having good baby sitters in your dating tool kit already defined and contacted will add to YOUR DATING SUCCESS.
Happy Dating and Relationships to you!
April Braswell